I like to think I’m not a vindictive person. I see it in others and am glad I’m not that way; that I wouldn’t deliberately hurt another person in order to punish them for what I perceive as their wrongdoing. I see others holding grudges for a long time and I think that is a shame and am glad I don’t do it, that I’m more forgiving.
But is it true?
Or do I, too, like to hold onto my anger?
Maybe I’m not grudging and vindictive too often because people rarely do me any real wrong, so I haven’t recognized it in myself till now. But when they do? Goodness, I can be as nasty as the next unevolved person!
My love for the newspaper has dissipated. I used to be in a hurry to read it; now I skip over anything written or even possibly written by The Asshole, and over everything else that bored the shit out of me while I was working there and had no choice but to read it and fix it up. I now read only articles and columns written by others, and the classified and display ads so I’ll know what’s coming up.
I still have the archives for the last historical page I put together. I’ve been in town and have them in the car to be returned, but will have to force myself to go into the office and haven’t felt any pressing reason to do so. Especially if I see his vehicle there, but even when it isn’t.
Our subscription to the paper is due at the end of December and may be cancelled even sooner, as it was free while I worked there. I won’t renew it, though I have been a subscriber for about 20 years.
I bought a subscription for Dad, as I do every year for Xmas/birthday, and this year for my sister and also my brother for the first time. I won’t renew any of them. If Dad asks me to, I’ll tell him he’ll have to call the office himself.
I’ll find other gifts to give them instead of their hometown paper.
I can’t imagine myself being friendly to The Asshole in public, although I don’t think I’d be rude or uncivil, either, but I think I might cross the street to avoid him.
I hope my former employer gets smart, for her sake, and fires him. I – heaven help me – wish him harm.
I’m bad! I wouldn’t permit myself to cast a spell or anything like that, but only because I believe doing vengeful things causes an ugly dive in your moral balance and comes back on you, making you sorry you joined an asshole on his low rung of the ladder of life, because you thought you were better than that and you have always tried to be.
I don’t think I’d be unkind to him in person, and an apology (not expected, for sure; that would require him acting like an adult) would be accepted with good grace and might dissipate some of my anger. But I’ve lost my ability to think of him as a person who deserves my respect or consideration. Now all I want to do is completely purge him from my memory and my mind.
I am pretty sure that anger and resentment aren’t helping me with that.
I’ve told other people with similar feelings to imagine the “wrongdoer” as a small child, lonely, frightened and crying. This elicits sympathy and caring and helps release the dislike and anger; “Anything that isn’t an expression of love is a cry for help,” yadayada; we want to feel compassion for people when they are so fucked up that they act like assholes.
But I can’t bring myself to do this visualization, because I don’t want that man taking up space in my head. He already does due to my pissed-off state whenever I recall his behaviour, and I want him out of there now, completely and forever.
Sigh. Maybe I need the anger. Maybe that’s what’s going on. Maybe I need it to help me carry on through the changes due to being jobless right now. If that’s the case, okay; use it. It’s not as if it’s an invalid emotion; I’ll let myself experience it, I’ll acknowledge it, I’ll live it while it lasts. But I hope soon I will instead be laughing at the absurdity of his behaviour instead of being mortified by it. After all, I don’t have to put up with him anymore and feel sorry for those who do.