Stoopid Struggle

Something on TV one night really said it well (and scarily, to me, one who never stops believing everything is fixable somehow). Oh it was the documentary about Frank Sinatra. Mia Farrow said that their marriage ended when (paraphrasing) eventually there was a communications wall they could no longer get over or knock down.

Fella happened to walk in and look at the TV just as she said that, and I wondered if he, too, recognized that perfect description of where he and I are.

You had nowhere to go  yourself, J, when you felt you had no choice but to leave your home and husband. So you can understand, then, why I am still here in this house. It is not as simple as walking out the door, is it? I was offered two houses two years ago when I told my sisters I was leaving Fella. But they were further from my job and my job wasn’t secure, so … I stayed where I was and kept looking, and I’m still looking, but I hope I won’t jump at something that gets me into debt and causes me a lot of pressure (packing, moving, utility hookup costs, living with close-by neighbours) when there is no reason I can’t take the time to try to make things happen in a way that’s good for me and maybe for him too.

Good friends have invited me to their homes to live if I want to make a fresh start, say in Edmonton or area. I don’t, though; my sons are both here now, I wanted to be here for the last two decades when I wasn’t, and I still like it here as much as anywhere, if not more.

I am at a point of loneliness/longing where I’m on the verge occasionally of making a gesture of affection and love to Fella. I don’t do it because it will just make him think things are all right. Doesn’t that seem sad? It does, to me. We should always do the loving thing when we know what it is, and I’m having a hard time not allowing myself to do what comes naturally. I don’t want to open myself up to insult anymore, so I can’t show affection to him.

I’ll keep being as civil as I know how. But it feels stilted to live with someone you’ve had an intimate relationship with, and to want that good relationship back, and not be able to have it.

Because of … what?

That communication wall?

It is disappointing, a perfect one-word description of relations with parents, siblings, friends, lovers, co-workers and so on at one time or another.

I’m ready and willing to release these patterns of struggle. I have had enough, and too much.

Ouch

The longer I go without approaching Fella to offer a hug or kiss each day, the more I see that it was always me giving affection, never him. I was only good for a poke.

 

Estranged in the Home

Many times I weaken, lonely and longing, and want to put my arms around him, for this is no way to live and being distant is not getting me what I want.

But I don’t.

 

 

Absurd

I laugh out loud this morning when I open the kitchen cupboard to get down the coffee bean grinder, and Fella has wrapped the cord and tucked it in, and put green masking tape around so that I cannot leave the cord “out” when I put the grinder away again.

It isn’t funny when someone’s control issues are so obvious, but come on … it IS absurd.

I can’t get the cord out at all without fighting with the tape. I put the grinder back and reach for the backup grinder instead.

 

 

Still corresponding with Josephine

Dear J,

Yes!

It’s very true about being alone. It absolutely does bring clarity.

Now you have made me want a nice cup of tea.

It’s a lazy morning after a night when I was awake much of it, and I’m letting myself rest so far. I want to make bread though, and have to do dishes, really, and get outside.

I’m so far behind in answering your emails, but they are such a treat to receive. Why isn’t this one on your blog? It would make a good entry.

I didn’t realize you’d been on the point of leaving your home. Did you have a place to go? Not having one that I wanted to go to has kept me in the same house as Fella many times.

You still see and appreciate your husband’s loving side, one thing that keeps you there in spite of frequent deep unhappiness. I guess it’s similar for me here, although I have given up trying to heal my relationship with Fella. I have withdrawn physically and in other ways in order to save myself. I’m sad and miss the Fella I love, but … there is no guarantee he will be there if I behave any differently, and I have to face and accept that.

The distance that comes with being alone is somewhat protective, it seems. He’s not so quick to be rude to me, as now he doesn’t know me so well. There is space between us.

We shall see. I’m still watching the real estate in town and meanwhile enjoying my home and my life too.

Irritations and dissatisfactions at your new job, eh? I’m sorry to hear that, I was hoping it would be light and easy for you.  I can relate to not liking to work for someone else or under a supervisor who doesn’t respect your competency and conscientiousness. I’d be grumbling.

I think I’ll go see if there is any chocolate peanut butter ice cream left.